It has been a very long last couple of days. As I work to prepare to leave for North Carolina tomorrow morning the stress, the tension, the overwhelming feelings have taken a toll. I am successfully at O’Hare International Airport and leave tomorrow morning for North Carolina. I took the train system in because I didn’t feel like spending a couple hundred dollars on parking at the airport. Instead where I thought I found free parking at the first train station actually is costing me $60.00 because they are incapable of updating their website where it still says free parking. On a side note the parking is good for a month, which means I can use the same pass in a couple weeks when I have to return to O’Hare to fly to Nashville TN.
Why has the last couple of days been so stressful you ask? Because while I am the only person in my family that is not adamantly against change, I have had so much change over the last couple of years that I don’t know that I can handle anymore change, I am overwhelmed with change.
I went from living on my own, trying to make ends meet to move back in with my parents and siblings because my health was quickly deteriorating to the point I could hardly function or take care of myself. I then went to a state of having to rely very heavily on my family as I went through fighting several health issues, ones that sent me to almost the point of death. During all of this I continued to push through college getting my Associate of Criminal Justice – Law Enforcement, Certificate in Media Communications, and just this week started my last semester for a Bachelor of Science in Media Communications. I’ve gone through 2 or 3 jobs as I tried to get back on my feet to the point where I have taken on a 6-month contract doing a job that I use to only be able to dream about doing!!!
I’ve had a lot of change, in a short period of time and the change isn’t stopping anytime soon as I plan to move out of my parent’s place at the end of this contract and begin to pursue a independent life once more. This is where the biggest struggle comes in, over the last two years I have become so dependent it is hard, even harder than the first time I moved out to become independent once more. Even though it is a desire to once again be living in my own place, living a life that doesn’t require the foundation of my family to survive, the change is hard, the change is taking all of my energy, and I am overwhelmed with it.
What should I do to overcome the overwhelming feeling? I don’t 100 percent know, the only thing I know is that I can’t take on anymore right now. I need to finish projects that are going on before I can take on anymore. My completely focus goes to only a few things right now…
1. My relationship with God, maintaining my faith and focus while unable to attend church regularly for the next several months.
2. My relationship with my Family.
3. Preparing to move into my own place.
4. Completing my bachelor’s degree.
5. Traveling as a Camera Operator for 6 months.
These 5 things have to be my center focus… The only other desires besides independency is finding that perfect God-fearing women that God has said I get to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t know that I could handle that right now, even though I certainty would not complain about it. Knowing God, He is going to throw me a curveball of some sort that I won’t expect, and I’ll have to like, “alright God, your way, not mine, please stop me from freaking out…”
To conclude, I’ve survived the rails of life so far, and the literal rails of traveling to the airport. It was a good experience, and I did semi enjoy it once I figured out the ropes of how everything worked. But for now I need to figure out what I am doing for the next 14 hours, and how I am going to get any sleep in this busy airport…
Until next time, signing off!